Anger and love!

How do you deal with anger and love at the same time? How do you separate the feelings, how do you keep them apart from each other?
Is it possible to draw a line in between and live happily ever after?
I feel my guts burning with love and burning with anger and painful questions popping every second and the answers just don't come!
I've changed, life changed me you changed me, everyone that crossed my path has changed me... but there are moments like these when I feel as lost as I can be...
I just want to be happy and spend more than a week or two without going back to square one. I guess I'm no different from everyone else and at the same time I know I'm different... I know I am! Always was and always be. But I'm still trying to figure out if it's good or bad.
In the end I guess that's just me!

lost (in translation) in my life

My words are far, far away and even when they are around it seems like all ther sense was taken from them.
I wish I could put some of my brain-storming ideas chained to some words, but right now time just floats above my thoughts and the rain that falls outside isn't helping as before.
I remember those days, walking and smoking in the rain. A couple of minutes or a couple of hours, a pack of cigarrettes, a blast of thoughts and finally, with the sun shining over the horizon and the rain still over me, all made sense and my life was a walk in the park, again...
Now I have some of what I've been looking for, but at the same time, without any warning or request, so much was taken away, or so much I let go away...
I need a cheecky rain drop, or a thunderstorm night to help my thoughts happen, or at least let them be organized. I'm messy enough!
It's still raining outside and I still have smokes in my pack. Maybe it will thunder...

Life changes

Time goes by and we change, the world changes and life changes with it too.
Before I was feeling myself growing older as time passed. Today, everytime I look myself in the mirror I feel myself growing up.
I've changed so much that I could almost say that I barely know myself. But the fact is that I think I'm changing for better and most of the times I think I like what I see in the mirror.
Well, I didn't change taht, that much. I still eat a bar of chocolate during the evenings while drinking a litre of juice of a nice mug of coffee. But now I drink my tea and my coffee without sugar (YES, no need to faint. The boy who used to drink a mug of coffee with 4 packs of sugar is done!). Yes, I still smoke and drink, but I can see myself without smoking and I'm drinking less than before.
I've been experiencing so many things that I could only grow up...
Words run from the tips of my fingers - thant was another change - and sometimes I feel like there's no poetry in me anymore... but I know it's all there!

Friendship - the art of mixed feelings

So there she is, right there, far away where I can't reach, where I can't see, where I can't possibly do anything. She's sad, she cries (maybe she's not tearing but I know it hurts and she should be crying). All I can do is listening. For once I say: Never been there, never done that. I can only use my intuition (yes, that's a girl's thing but I always said I should have been a girl!!!) and let the words get out of my fingers (She's there, so far away that I can't even talk, listen to her voice) and then it happened - she smiled. I know she did because she told me so and I know she wouldn't lie to me. I know she's sad, I told you that, but even when you are sad you can truly smile!
Tomorrow I'll be there too, waiting for you and just for you and I hope that I can make you smile once more: Such a friendship is too precious to waste or ignore!

And here I am! Waking up with a smile, smiling all the way to the sunset, feeling enough energy to go for a run and enjoy every second. I know that I'm smiling for her too... I know that's all I can do...

I wrote you a poem:

Sometimes it's your smile
And that shine
In your eyes
But I swear
It feels like the whole sun
Shines in your face!

Sometimes I find myself
Trying to find the words,
All the words I can find,
To tell you how beautiful you are!
And when I'm done
I have pages and pages
Of beautiful words,
Made up words,
Words in all possible languages
Words in undiscovered languages
And yet
I feel it is not enough
to discribe your beauty!

I wrote you a poem and yet I don't think I've said it all!

Back to the words

Silence took care of my fingers. The few words were destinated to my pen and the blank sheets of paper in front of me just before sunrise.
Many things happened. Some good, some bad, but sometimes I like to believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it just happens... Sometimes it just doesn't happen.
I now have to decide if I'm gonna try to catch up with these 2 months of happenings or if I'm moving on and write from this moment...
I think I need more time to decide.
Just thought I should give signs of life!
Someone told me: Tu me manques!
That someone is somewhere and somehow she's still here.

A beautiful smile!

I still can’t believe how I missed it.
I first let my hormones command my thoughts and tell me how attractive you were, then my platonic behaviour said that your personality was extremely attractive, there was something about your behaviour that was letting me more and more curious every day. But today, today while we talked (and it seems so easy to talk to you, to open my heart and just let the words flow) I finally looked deep into your eyes and I swear I lost myself. I remember you were saying something but I couldn’t listen, I could not stop thinking how beautiful your eyes are and how could I have missed such a glance of true wonder. And I think they are even more beautiful when they smile along with the rest of your face and that little happy bright appears shyly in the corner…
I will embrace my dreams with a smile in my face just by thinking about how beautiful your smile is, and by the morning I should know if I should let you know that I have a crush for your eyes and your smile…

The man with a mission

I let the vapors of the alcohol sublime my words and most of the times the feeling just arise meaningless.
I chose depressing songs but no matter how depressing the sing is, my tears seem not to be able to become true! I wish you know how I feel for you, but I will not tell you so, and you will never know…
But my day got lightened by the consequence of what I do best: Help others! And I realized that I have to warn people I’m different, I think in a different way, I act in a different way. And doing so people are able to understand that no matter what I tell them to do, that doesn’t mean it is the right thing. But the concept and the idea is right and the result can only be the best one.
I realize that it’s getting harder to be happy on my own, and helping others and making others find the right way is the way by which I’ll fin the track to happiness.
But today I feel I was able to make someone smile and have a beautiful day. Today I may have finished another mission and I fell happy for that, I may even have had the audacity to wear a smile and I was proud of it!

The waiting

Waiting for you! Still waiting for myself!

Just look at me waiting! Look at how I still wait after all this time.
People say that there’s no love like the first and that we never forget our first love. It is true, I admit, that there’s no love like the first and obviously, since it was the first time we ever felt something we called love and lived according to it, it’s impossible to forget, forget how it started, the first conversations, the first kisses, the first frontiers to be crossed, the first night out. Of course, the first time sex happened and it was so much more than sex, it was love!
But look at me: my first love has been long gone (yes! It still shows up once in a while as a crazy passion, because there’s no love like the first one) and sorry, but you aren’t the second either, or the third… But what matters is that I still remember when and how it started, I remember the first kiss, the frontiers crossed, and how could I forget the first time we made love??? And yet do you remember? But even if you do, what does it mean? Why is it so hard to believe that it happened even if our memories start to appear blunted in our minds? Why is it so hard for me to admit what I feel for you?
So I let days go by, I let you make me smile, I do my best to make you smile and for some moments I believe that it wasn’t a dream, for a moment I feel your lips in mine, I feel your body next to mine by sunrise.
But as time goes by our smiles get forced, become rare and we are not we, but some strangers that remind us of a time that we no longer now if it was real!

Ode (hope) to the lost one

Ode (hope) to the lost one


There’s no sun or wind
Or anything in between!
There’s no hope or dream
To make me smile again!

My love isn’t much
But it’s all I have left
I so live as such
I shall have no regret

From sunshines to sunsets
I will look for your eyes
And your mouth and your lips
To my misfortune, my demise

Once we start there’s no end
Will have memories and a past
Rather break than to bend
Rather lost than in doubt!

I love you and I hate you!

Things start to make sense: I hate you and I love you!
And with these controversial feelings I have no idea what to do: should I hold you in my arms and take you with me to the future or should I kill you in me right away?
There are days that I only love you, days when our future seems so beautiful and possible. But then I remember all the beautiful things that we had and you threw away and it hurts. In the beginning it just hurt, but with time all my pain became rage, hate and I am now full of feelings I thought I could never have. It’s amazing how the same person can make me love and hate, make me happy and the most miserable man on the face of the earth. Isn’t life funny?
But I’ll move on. Eventually, after a while, my heart will find a way to deal with itself, with the lack of so many pieces lost to my beloved ones, and maybe, just maybe, there’s still something left for someone to take care of, and hopefully that someone will finally take really good care of it.
Of course this is just a very optimistic way of seeing things! Wasn’t that what you wanted me to do???

“Do you love me?”

“Do you love me?”


We met the usual way for people of our age: a drinking and dancing night at a bar. I could I have missed you wearing that really short black skirt and the sleaveless top. I think the first thing I notice in you was your bellybutton. I never saw such a beautiful bellybutton before and never seen another one so beautiful all these years after.
I was looking at you like every men in that bar but I was the one you glanced at, but I thought it was the beer.
Still today I have no idea of where I got the guts to make the move. All the other easy guys were being backed-off and the experienced ones were say that you were no good, not looking for it that night. But I guess it was really the beer that made me move. Also knowing the bartender helped impressing you. How could I ever guessed you were a vodka-with-cranberry-juice-type of girl?
“The best way to get a girl's attention is to ignore her!” This was the conclusion of a long discussion with many of my girl friends. But the problem is to get your attention first so you realize you are being ignored. So the move was so subtle, so well planned in my dreams that I could have never wished for it to work better. So I grabbed your vodka with cranberry juice and waited for you to be ready to order another one. I approached you and I know I said the right words and left. I went back to my friends and acted as nothing happened. Of course our eyes sparked a couple of times during the night, but I needed to wait for the right moment, the right chain of actions so I could get that right reaction.
When the moment came I just reached the counter and sat by your side just to order a drink. And the payback was coming – you said the first words and after a few tens of minutes I had your number and your name and your attention. It was time to go home and keep playing the game.
It's so amazing how a game can be so fun and so dangerous.
After that night we had it all: the wild first night of sex; the resting time; the second night and the third and all the other ones after and all the discussions and reconciliations. We had a relationship but at the same time we never said we had it. There was no obligation but there was understanding. We fought over nothing and because of everything. We were a happy couple and at the same time complete strangers and it was working just fine. We pretended that we had no feelings, we were just “friends” of occasion and it lasted for so many moons, and the same moon came back again and again and again.
But one day with the moon hiding behind the rainy clouds all my ghosts returned with those four words: “Do you love me?”.
Why? Why you had to use them like that. You could have said something so beautiful and less cruel and painful like: “You do love me!” or “You love me do!”. You could even had made no sense at all: “You me do love!” or go for a melodic approach: “Love you do me!”. But no, you chose the worst order possible, you had a question mark and you were really expecting an answer.
I remember you leaving before the tears started to drop and I assume I didn't want to get that last glimpse of you. I wanted to keep that wonderful laugh and that radiating smile as the last image of you.
I guess my silence said what I couldn't say, but you heard something so different and I never had the guts to call you back. Yes I loved you but I couldn't hurt you!
The alarm clock went on and I woke up in pain. I was feeling so empty I couldn't dare to move or open my eyes. But you felt that emptiness even in your dreams and hugged me and all I could say was: Yes, I do love you!”

"Love? What's making love?"

"Love? What's making love?"

- So you do know what make love is? But how? You're so young and crazy and...
I thought it was better to interrupt you before you could say some word I wouldn't understand.
- Sure I know what making love is, but the question is: How do you want me to explain it to you? You know there are always many ways to explain things.
- Just tell me what is making love to you!
- I will give you 2 definitions that mean exactly the same thing, at least to me. You have the bar-table version and the poetic/romantic version. Where should I start?
- Let's go for the bar-table one and hope we can finish with something really amazing!
You didn't even try to hide that evil smile and that mean shine in your eyes. So I decided to kink a bit more the bar-table version.
- Making love is a very straight forward happening. When you make love you don't just fuck, you gotta fuck with your heart, fuck with love, not only with your dick. It's 2 souls screwing each other until there's no time: no seconds, no hours, no days, no tomorrow. It's the climax, the most intense you can ever have in your life - two souls screwing each other until there's no more limits, no boundaries that can't be crossed.
An inner laugh shacked your body but you just let the smile, that amazing prick smile.
- Doesn't look bad, but I guess I've heard better pick up lines. And if she's drunk she may fall asleep in the middle of you speech.
I have to say I was expecting that. As if I didn't know you...
- So now I'm waiting for the romantic one!
- Sure!
- But do me a favour, if I fall asleep wake me up when you finish!
- Up yours smart ass!
And we both laughed but I recovered my serious face faster and dived deep into the definition.
- Making love is achieving paradise on earth, making love is forgetting about the two bodies lying in bed or rolling on the ground. Is ignoring that there is time and space and lose perception of the world around. Making love is when the 2 halves of the same whole meet and become one again, and again, and again. It's when you kiss where the other wants to be kissed and when you get kissed where you want to be kissed. It's all about forgetting yourself and worship the body between your arms and your legs. It's all about being yourself without being at all. It's about sharing and giving and receiving. It's about respect and at the same time dare to cross every boundary, to push it a little bit more without pushing to much. When you make love there're no expectations because if you are making love you can't expect much more than a bit of paradise.
I have to admit I let myself go a bit too far. I never thought I could say so many words about making love and that those words could actually make some sense all together. But I guess it was easier after your lips started running through my neck and your hands broke all the rules and some buttons too... I guess I should shut up now and look for my piece of heaven... Ahh! cheeky!"

Insomnia

The night comes and I turn off the light. The days go by painfully and there’s nothing I can do but wait. Wait for better days to come, wait to have you in my arms again. Yes! I still dream…
I look at the starts in the ceiling and ask myself: Can you still fly?
An eternity went by since the last time I’ve let myself fly in my dreams. Yes! I dream, but I no longer fly. Wings no longer grow in my back as before, the skies are no longer blue and shinny, there’s no smile or bright.
Another day will come but I stubbornly insist in not falling asleep. I roll myself in bed looking for that little spot that right position to embrace me and let me go to my dreams. I’ve been every where in this bed, turning to the right, turning to the left, belly up or belly down; fetal position, Christ on the cross. I even try to put my head where my feet should be. I go through the same positions over and over again. I feel tired and sleepy but I just can’t sleep!
Sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep without you by my side!
I’ll wait for another day when finally something in me gives up and I find myself dreaming!

After the storm

After all the tears my eyes are normal again! And my feeling start to find their right place. It's hard to live with our own emptiness, but it's better than living in the misconception of love.
Outside the clouds give the day a break and there are some sunbeams lightenning the grass.
My parents used to tell me: Better on your own than in bad company! But I need people around.
Going out for another day. Maybe a kid's laugh will help me smile!

The end is the begining

Please tell me it’s gonna be ok, tell me everything will be alright, just fine. Tell me I’ll dream again and I’ll smile when I wake up ‘cause you’re there by my side. Tell me this pain will end and the tears will stop dropping and my nose will stop running. Tell the future is bright and shinny, tell at least that there is a future!
I pick up the phone and dial number after number in my long list of friends and there’s no one there. I’m alone and lost and hurt and I will have to deal with it all by myself.
I try to see the bright side, I try to see how this can be a beginning but the tear in my eyes don’t let me see straight. And the clouds… all those clouds…
I have no problems in identifying the end… but it’s getting hard to see a beginning!
Why is my life such a bitch!?

Another day!

My next door neighbour had a party for an Australian that just got into Canada. And since it was just next door, let just get a six pack and spend some time with people and get the fuck out of my room and my thoughts.
There were gay and straight and there was me! So where did I stand?
There were pagans and protestants and Christian catholics! So where did I stand?
I’m more and more the guy that makes the bridge in between. The guy wit the wise words to avoid the huge fight and keep the discussion alive.
Although my life is still a mess and my future as cloudy as ever, I can still find the inspiration to be around people and let ideas flow. I guess the right expression would be: I’m a political and social animal. I need people around me so that when I have something to say there’s someone to listen. So of course I hate to be ignored, I can’t stand being ignored!
I’m proud of myself! I had my hand in a joint and I said no! I had a bunch of alcohol at the table and I managed to stay sober! I had a neverending night ahead and I’m home! I managed to control myself, gain control of myself and do what I really want to do and not just what I feel like doing!
Am I getting old and responsible or just getting control of myself again?
It’s funny how I manage to do the most amazing things even when the world around me seems to collapse.
Whatever the future hold for me I have to say that today I’m proud of myself!

My days, My love! Our love? Our life?

"Another morning and that means less one day to see you again!
If I don't wake up in the middle of the night with the text message sound or the cell phone ring I always think I could have slept into it. I check both my cells just to be sure. Maybe I left one on silence mode before falling asleep. But no, no surprises this morning.
I lower the level of the alarm clock, turn on the TV on the weather channel and chose the appropriate clothes to put on and go outside for the morning smoke. Most of the times the pyjama and the sky blue bath rope is good enough. While I have my smoke the images of waking up by your side, the warmth fills my whole body. I tingle and I like it. It's time to come back and get ready for another day of science or just time killing and pretending to work.
I walk to work with our songs in my ears and I'm thundered by images of us, images of when there was a we. Sometimes I smile. Other times I have to fight against the will to cry. But the shades always helped. I grab my morning coffee and go to the computer room. The possibility of having an email from you made me walk faster than usual.
Sometimes, if I have a text during the night I know I'll have your words waiting for me in the morning. That always cheers my day and I can't help having a smile on my face. Sometimes your words are cold or there're no words at all and even in the most bright spring day I seem to be unable to see the sun and the beauty of the day.
I text you just to let you know I'm thinking about you. Not that I think you don't know that already, but I know how reassuring can be to know someone is thinking about you, even if it is on the other side of the world.
Until I get an answer from you I check my cell phone once in a while (I think I sometimes get a bit too excited and tend to check it almost every 5 minutes, but I always try to have an excuse to do so, so no one realizes I'm expecting anything).
Sometimes your words don't come for hours and I worry. Maybe something happened. I call you and when I can't talk to you and you don't call back I worry even more, I get desperate if I had no text, no email, no answer to the text and no answer to my call. It's painful to see the world spinning and going and there's nothing you can do. Things happen that can change my life and there's nothing I can do except sit and watch and wait. Feel the pain growing inside, feeling my heart breaking into pieces, but just watch.
Eventually I get words from you. In a very lucky day I get to listen to your voice, see you. And if I have the chance to see you or chat with you I speed up my time, speed up my work so that I can be online on time to spend a good couple of hours tricking my brain and feeling you so close...
We talk, sometimes we fight. Lately we fight a lot. It's always because of the same subject. I guess I'm just too possessive about something I don't have. I had, we had something beautiful and I don't want it to end. I believe you still want it too but I don't know, I guess you don't know either.
I'm home or I just walk home. I know I'll have an email back and I can't wait for that and for those wonderful minutes I spend writing you back, still smelling your skin, still hearing your laugh, still feeling your warmth.
I painfully look at the clock so that the time to sleep comes and another day goes by.
I text you and wish you a great day so that you can have a smile on your face. I just love the way you look when you are happy and smiling!
It's time to sleep. I close the doors and turn of the lights. There are dreams waiting for me!"

Birds and barbeque

It’s amazing how birds can still sing when it’s almost 10 pm. How they happily sing and their voices come through my opened window and fill my room of joy and sunshine.
When your day goes bad and according to Murphy’s Laws, there nothing like taking the chance you are given of doing something completely out of the schedule.
So me and my roommates decided to have a barbeque and all in a sudden we had more food than we could eat. So their parents and other family came over and we had the barbeque and a wonderful time in the back yard, chatting and eating and drinking what became my speciality in here: Sangria!
So after an awful day where all that could go wrong really went wrong I managed to have a really good time and have a smile now, that the day ends and the melodies of the birds still cheer me.
When will I smile again by no apparent reason?

It's been a while

It’s been a while since I allowed the words to grow in my finger tips. Many things changed in the mean time and I guess that writing in English is one of them.
I could go extensively from the snow that melted to the crazy sun that burnt and finish in our days where the rain still shows up and the summer is coming back again.
Many things are still changing and the uncertainty of the future makes wander through my days with no plans for tomorrow. I still have dreams, dreams that make me smile when the sun is up and hurt so much when the moon brings me the peace of the night and I alone face my own dreams.
Every day is a battle, every day I feel like the world can come to an end and there’s nothing I can do to help it. But every day ends with more pain and every day ends with a little but more ice covering my heart. Every day I walk away one step more, but I don’t know where am I walking to.
Some days I’m just as grey as the skies and if it rains I have no need to cry. But then the sun comes and I smile and I feel like I want to cry. And all these crazy feelings make me feel angry, able to fight every one and every thing.
I wake every day feeling that today is gonna be the day and every night I see it all delayed to the day after and I’ve been feeling that tomorrow will never come and I’ve been living the same day over and over again.
It’s been a while since I was graced with a peaceful day. I don’t think I remember it anymore!
But better days will come, one day…

Neve, neve e mais neve

Neva ha dois dias quase sem parar!
Um enorme manto branco cobre a cidade e quase parece que o Natal se aproxima, mas quase mais dez meses nos separam de nova epoca natalicia.
Comeco a sentir-me cada vez mais em casa e ao mesmo tempo cada vez com mais saudades de casa. E esta contradicao de sentimentos provoca tempestades dentro de mim. Vale-me o trabalho para deixar de pensar e concentrar-me em algo que exigem 150% de mim e eu aproveito e dou 200%.
As palavras em portugues sao cada vez menos e ate a pensar o faco cada vez mais em ingles, ate amar comeca a ser em ingles...
Apesar de a hora ser de caminha e tv eu continuo no lab ah espera de atingir os 200%.
Vou voltar ao trabalho que nao posso esperar por por as ideias em ordem.