I still can’t believe how I missed it.
I first let my hormones command my thoughts and tell me how attractive you were, then my platonic behaviour said that your personality was extremely attractive, there was something about your behaviour that was letting me more and more curious every day. But today, today while we talked (and it seems so easy to talk to you, to open my heart and just let the words flow) I finally looked deep into your eyes and I swear I lost myself. I remember you were saying something but I couldn’t listen, I could not stop thinking how beautiful your eyes are and how could I have missed such a glance of true wonder. And I think they are even more beautiful when they smile along with the rest of your face and that little happy bright appears shyly in the corner…
I will embrace my dreams with a smile in my face just by thinking about how beautiful your smile is, and by the morning I should know if I should let you know that I have a crush for your eyes and your smile…
Monday, July 10, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
The man with a mission
I let the vapors of the alcohol sublime my words and most of the times the feeling just arise meaningless.
I chose depressing songs but no matter how depressing the sing is, my tears seem not to be able to become true! I wish you know how I feel for you, but I will not tell you so, and you will never know…
But my day got lightened by the consequence of what I do best: Help others! And I realized that I have to warn people I’m different, I think in a different way, I act in a different way. And doing so people are able to understand that no matter what I tell them to do, that doesn’t mean it is the right thing. But the concept and the idea is right and the result can only be the best one.
I realize that it’s getting harder to be happy on my own, and helping others and making others find the right way is the way by which I’ll fin the track to happiness.
But today I feel I was able to make someone smile and have a beautiful day. Today I may have finished another mission and I fell happy for that, I may even have had the audacity to wear a smile and I was proud of it!
I chose depressing songs but no matter how depressing the sing is, my tears seem not to be able to become true! I wish you know how I feel for you, but I will not tell you so, and you will never know…
But my day got lightened by the consequence of what I do best: Help others! And I realized that I have to warn people I’m different, I think in a different way, I act in a different way. And doing so people are able to understand that no matter what I tell them to do, that doesn’t mean it is the right thing. But the concept and the idea is right and the result can only be the best one.
I realize that it’s getting harder to be happy on my own, and helping others and making others find the right way is the way by which I’ll fin the track to happiness.
But today I feel I was able to make someone smile and have a beautiful day. Today I may have finished another mission and I fell happy for that, I may even have had the audacity to wear a smile and I was proud of it!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
The waiting
Waiting for you! Still waiting for myself!
Just look at me waiting! Look at how I still wait after all this time.
People say that there’s no love like the first and that we never forget our first love. It is true, I admit, that there’s no love like the first and obviously, since it was the first time we ever felt something we called love and lived according to it, it’s impossible to forget, forget how it started, the first conversations, the first kisses, the first frontiers to be crossed, the first night out. Of course, the first time sex happened and it was so much more than sex, it was love!
But look at me: my first love has been long gone (yes! It still shows up once in a while as a crazy passion, because there’s no love like the first one) and sorry, but you aren’t the second either, or the third… But what matters is that I still remember when and how it started, I remember the first kiss, the frontiers crossed, and how could I forget the first time we made love??? And yet do you remember? But even if you do, what does it mean? Why is it so hard to believe that it happened even if our memories start to appear blunted in our minds? Why is it so hard for me to admit what I feel for you?
So I let days go by, I let you make me smile, I do my best to make you smile and for some moments I believe that it wasn’t a dream, for a moment I feel your lips in mine, I feel your body next to mine by sunrise.
But as time goes by our smiles get forced, become rare and we are not we, but some strangers that remind us of a time that we no longer now if it was real!
Just look at me waiting! Look at how I still wait after all this time.
People say that there’s no love like the first and that we never forget our first love. It is true, I admit, that there’s no love like the first and obviously, since it was the first time we ever felt something we called love and lived according to it, it’s impossible to forget, forget how it started, the first conversations, the first kisses, the first frontiers to be crossed, the first night out. Of course, the first time sex happened and it was so much more than sex, it was love!
But look at me: my first love has been long gone (yes! It still shows up once in a while as a crazy passion, because there’s no love like the first one) and sorry, but you aren’t the second either, or the third… But what matters is that I still remember when and how it started, I remember the first kiss, the frontiers crossed, and how could I forget the first time we made love??? And yet do you remember? But even if you do, what does it mean? Why is it so hard to believe that it happened even if our memories start to appear blunted in our minds? Why is it so hard for me to admit what I feel for you?
So I let days go by, I let you make me smile, I do my best to make you smile and for some moments I believe that it wasn’t a dream, for a moment I feel your lips in mine, I feel your body next to mine by sunrise.
But as time goes by our smiles get forced, become rare and we are not we, but some strangers that remind us of a time that we no longer now if it was real!
Ode (hope) to the lost one
Ode (hope) to the lost one
There’s no sun or wind
Or anything in between!
There’s no hope or dream
To make me smile again!
My love isn’t much
But it’s all I have left
I so live as such
I shall have no regret
From sunshines to sunsets
I will look for your eyes
And your mouth and your lips
To my misfortune, my demise
Once we start there’s no end
Will have memories and a past
Rather break than to bend
Rather lost than in doubt!
There’s no sun or wind
Or anything in between!
There’s no hope or dream
To make me smile again!
My love isn’t much
But it’s all I have left
I so live as such
I shall have no regret
From sunshines to sunsets
I will look for your eyes
And your mouth and your lips
To my misfortune, my demise
Once we start there’s no end
Will have memories and a past
Rather break than to bend
Rather lost than in doubt!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I love you and I hate you!
Things start to make sense: I hate you and I love you!
And with these controversial feelings I have no idea what to do: should I hold you in my arms and take you with me to the future or should I kill you in me right away?
There are days that I only love you, days when our future seems so beautiful and possible. But then I remember all the beautiful things that we had and you threw away and it hurts. In the beginning it just hurt, but with time all my pain became rage, hate and I am now full of feelings I thought I could never have. It’s amazing how the same person can make me love and hate, make me happy and the most miserable man on the face of the earth. Isn’t life funny?
But I’ll move on. Eventually, after a while, my heart will find a way to deal with itself, with the lack of so many pieces lost to my beloved ones, and maybe, just maybe, there’s still something left for someone to take care of, and hopefully that someone will finally take really good care of it.
Of course this is just a very optimistic way of seeing things! Wasn’t that what you wanted me to do???
And with these controversial feelings I have no idea what to do: should I hold you in my arms and take you with me to the future or should I kill you in me right away?
There are days that I only love you, days when our future seems so beautiful and possible. But then I remember all the beautiful things that we had and you threw away and it hurts. In the beginning it just hurt, but with time all my pain became rage, hate and I am now full of feelings I thought I could never have. It’s amazing how the same person can make me love and hate, make me happy and the most miserable man on the face of the earth. Isn’t life funny?
But I’ll move on. Eventually, after a while, my heart will find a way to deal with itself, with the lack of so many pieces lost to my beloved ones, and maybe, just maybe, there’s still something left for someone to take care of, and hopefully that someone will finally take really good care of it.
Of course this is just a very optimistic way of seeing things! Wasn’t that what you wanted me to do???
Monday, July 03, 2006
“Do you love me?”
“Do you love me?”
We met the usual way for people of our age: a drinking and dancing night at a bar. I could I have missed you wearing that really short black skirt and the sleaveless top. I think the first thing I notice in you was your bellybutton. I never saw such a beautiful bellybutton before and never seen another one so beautiful all these years after.
I was looking at you like every men in that bar but I was the one you glanced at, but I thought it was the beer.
Still today I have no idea of where I got the guts to make the move. All the other easy guys were being backed-off and the experienced ones were say that you were no good, not looking for it that night. But I guess it was really the beer that made me move. Also knowing the bartender helped impressing you. How could I ever guessed you were a vodka-with-cranberry-juice-type of girl?
“The best way to get a girl's attention is to ignore her!” This was the conclusion of a long discussion with many of my girl friends. But the problem is to get your attention first so you realize you are being ignored. So the move was so subtle, so well planned in my dreams that I could have never wished for it to work better. So I grabbed your vodka with cranberry juice and waited for you to be ready to order another one. I approached you and I know I said the right words and left. I went back to my friends and acted as nothing happened. Of course our eyes sparked a couple of times during the night, but I needed to wait for the right moment, the right chain of actions so I could get that right reaction.
When the moment came I just reached the counter and sat by your side just to order a drink. And the payback was coming – you said the first words and after a few tens of minutes I had your number and your name and your attention. It was time to go home and keep playing the game.
It's so amazing how a game can be so fun and so dangerous.
After that night we had it all: the wild first night of sex; the resting time; the second night and the third and all the other ones after and all the discussions and reconciliations. We had a relationship but at the same time we never said we had it. There was no obligation but there was understanding. We fought over nothing and because of everything. We were a happy couple and at the same time complete strangers and it was working just fine. We pretended that we had no feelings, we were just “friends” of occasion and it lasted for so many moons, and the same moon came back again and again and again.
But one day with the moon hiding behind the rainy clouds all my ghosts returned with those four words: “Do you love me?”.
Why? Why you had to use them like that. You could have said something so beautiful and less cruel and painful like: “You do love me!” or “You love me do!”. You could even had made no sense at all: “You me do love!” or go for a melodic approach: “Love you do me!”. But no, you chose the worst order possible, you had a question mark and you were really expecting an answer.
I remember you leaving before the tears started to drop and I assume I didn't want to get that last glimpse of you. I wanted to keep that wonderful laugh and that radiating smile as the last image of you.
I guess my silence said what I couldn't say, but you heard something so different and I never had the guts to call you back. Yes I loved you but I couldn't hurt you!
The alarm clock went on and I woke up in pain. I was feeling so empty I couldn't dare to move or open my eyes. But you felt that emptiness even in your dreams and hugged me and all I could say was: Yes, I do love you!”
We met the usual way for people of our age: a drinking and dancing night at a bar. I could I have missed you wearing that really short black skirt and the sleaveless top. I think the first thing I notice in you was your bellybutton. I never saw such a beautiful bellybutton before and never seen another one so beautiful all these years after.
I was looking at you like every men in that bar but I was the one you glanced at, but I thought it was the beer.
Still today I have no idea of where I got the guts to make the move. All the other easy guys were being backed-off and the experienced ones were say that you were no good, not looking for it that night. But I guess it was really the beer that made me move. Also knowing the bartender helped impressing you. How could I ever guessed you were a vodka-with-cranberry-juice-type of girl?
“The best way to get a girl's attention is to ignore her!” This was the conclusion of a long discussion with many of my girl friends. But the problem is to get your attention first so you realize you are being ignored. So the move was so subtle, so well planned in my dreams that I could have never wished for it to work better. So I grabbed your vodka with cranberry juice and waited for you to be ready to order another one. I approached you and I know I said the right words and left. I went back to my friends and acted as nothing happened. Of course our eyes sparked a couple of times during the night, but I needed to wait for the right moment, the right chain of actions so I could get that right reaction.
When the moment came I just reached the counter and sat by your side just to order a drink. And the payback was coming – you said the first words and after a few tens of minutes I had your number and your name and your attention. It was time to go home and keep playing the game.
It's so amazing how a game can be so fun and so dangerous.
After that night we had it all: the wild first night of sex; the resting time; the second night and the third and all the other ones after and all the discussions and reconciliations. We had a relationship but at the same time we never said we had it. There was no obligation but there was understanding. We fought over nothing and because of everything. We were a happy couple and at the same time complete strangers and it was working just fine. We pretended that we had no feelings, we were just “friends” of occasion and it lasted for so many moons, and the same moon came back again and again and again.
But one day with the moon hiding behind the rainy clouds all my ghosts returned with those four words: “Do you love me?”.
Why? Why you had to use them like that. You could have said something so beautiful and less cruel and painful like: “You do love me!” or “You love me do!”. You could even had made no sense at all: “You me do love!” or go for a melodic approach: “Love you do me!”. But no, you chose the worst order possible, you had a question mark and you were really expecting an answer.
I remember you leaving before the tears started to drop and I assume I didn't want to get that last glimpse of you. I wanted to keep that wonderful laugh and that radiating smile as the last image of you.
I guess my silence said what I couldn't say, but you heard something so different and I never had the guts to call you back. Yes I loved you but I couldn't hurt you!
The alarm clock went on and I woke up in pain. I was feeling so empty I couldn't dare to move or open my eyes. But you felt that emptiness even in your dreams and hugged me and all I could say was: Yes, I do love you!”
"Love? What's making love?"
"Love? What's making love?"
- So you do know what make love is? But how? You're so young and crazy and...
I thought it was better to interrupt you before you could say some word I wouldn't understand.
- Sure I know what making love is, but the question is: How do you want me to explain it to you? You know there are always many ways to explain things.
- Just tell me what is making love to you!
- I will give you 2 definitions that mean exactly the same thing, at least to me. You have the bar-table version and the poetic/romantic version. Where should I start?
- Let's go for the bar-table one and hope we can finish with something really amazing!
You didn't even try to hide that evil smile and that mean shine in your eyes. So I decided to kink a bit more the bar-table version.
- Making love is a very straight forward happening. When you make love you don't just fuck, you gotta fuck with your heart, fuck with love, not only with your dick. It's 2 souls screwing each other until there's no time: no seconds, no hours, no days, no tomorrow. It's the climax, the most intense you can ever have in your life - two souls screwing each other until there's no more limits, no boundaries that can't be crossed.
An inner laugh shacked your body but you just let the smile, that amazing prick smile.
- Doesn't look bad, but I guess I've heard better pick up lines. And if she's drunk she may fall asleep in the middle of you speech.
I have to say I was expecting that. As if I didn't know you...
- So now I'm waiting for the romantic one!
- Sure!
- But do me a favour, if I fall asleep wake me up when you finish!
- Up yours smart ass!
And we both laughed but I recovered my serious face faster and dived deep into the definition.
- Making love is achieving paradise on earth, making love is forgetting about the two bodies lying in bed or rolling on the ground. Is ignoring that there is time and space and lose perception of the world around. Making love is when the 2 halves of the same whole meet and become one again, and again, and again. It's when you kiss where the other wants to be kissed and when you get kissed where you want to be kissed. It's all about forgetting yourself and worship the body between your arms and your legs. It's all about being yourself without being at all. It's about sharing and giving and receiving. It's about respect and at the same time dare to cross every boundary, to push it a little bit more without pushing to much. When you make love there're no expectations because if you are making love you can't expect much more than a bit of paradise.
I have to admit I let myself go a bit too far. I never thought I could say so many words about making love and that those words could actually make some sense all together. But I guess it was easier after your lips started running through my neck and your hands broke all the rules and some buttons too... I guess I should shut up now and look for my piece of heaven... Ahh! cheeky!"
- So you do know what make love is? But how? You're so young and crazy and...
I thought it was better to interrupt you before you could say some word I wouldn't understand.
- Sure I know what making love is, but the question is: How do you want me to explain it to you? You know there are always many ways to explain things.
- Just tell me what is making love to you!
- I will give you 2 definitions that mean exactly the same thing, at least to me. You have the bar-table version and the poetic/romantic version. Where should I start?
- Let's go for the bar-table one and hope we can finish with something really amazing!
You didn't even try to hide that evil smile and that mean shine in your eyes. So I decided to kink a bit more the bar-table version.
- Making love is a very straight forward happening. When you make love you don't just fuck, you gotta fuck with your heart, fuck with love, not only with your dick. It's 2 souls screwing each other until there's no time: no seconds, no hours, no days, no tomorrow. It's the climax, the most intense you can ever have in your life - two souls screwing each other until there's no more limits, no boundaries that can't be crossed.
An inner laugh shacked your body but you just let the smile, that amazing prick smile.
- Doesn't look bad, but I guess I've heard better pick up lines. And if she's drunk she may fall asleep in the middle of you speech.
I have to say I was expecting that. As if I didn't know you...
- So now I'm waiting for the romantic one!
- Sure!
- But do me a favour, if I fall asleep wake me up when you finish!
- Up yours smart ass!
And we both laughed but I recovered my serious face faster and dived deep into the definition.
- Making love is achieving paradise on earth, making love is forgetting about the two bodies lying in bed or rolling on the ground. Is ignoring that there is time and space and lose perception of the world around. Making love is when the 2 halves of the same whole meet and become one again, and again, and again. It's when you kiss where the other wants to be kissed and when you get kissed where you want to be kissed. It's all about forgetting yourself and worship the body between your arms and your legs. It's all about being yourself without being at all. It's about sharing and giving and receiving. It's about respect and at the same time dare to cross every boundary, to push it a little bit more without pushing to much. When you make love there're no expectations because if you are making love you can't expect much more than a bit of paradise.
I have to admit I let myself go a bit too far. I never thought I could say so many words about making love and that those words could actually make some sense all together. But I guess it was easier after your lips started running through my neck and your hands broke all the rules and some buttons too... I guess I should shut up now and look for my piece of heaven... Ahh! cheeky!"
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