Insomnia

The night comes and I turn off the light. The days go by painfully and there’s nothing I can do but wait. Wait for better days to come, wait to have you in my arms again. Yes! I still dream…
I look at the starts in the ceiling and ask myself: Can you still fly?
An eternity went by since the last time I’ve let myself fly in my dreams. Yes! I dream, but I no longer fly. Wings no longer grow in my back as before, the skies are no longer blue and shinny, there’s no smile or bright.
Another day will come but I stubbornly insist in not falling asleep. I roll myself in bed looking for that little spot that right position to embrace me and let me go to my dreams. I’ve been every where in this bed, turning to the right, turning to the left, belly up or belly down; fetal position, Christ on the cross. I even try to put my head where my feet should be. I go through the same positions over and over again. I feel tired and sleepy but I just can’t sleep!
Sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep without you by my side!
I’ll wait for another day when finally something in me gives up and I find myself dreaming!

After the storm

After all the tears my eyes are normal again! And my feeling start to find their right place. It's hard to live with our own emptiness, but it's better than living in the misconception of love.
Outside the clouds give the day a break and there are some sunbeams lightenning the grass.
My parents used to tell me: Better on your own than in bad company! But I need people around.
Going out for another day. Maybe a kid's laugh will help me smile!

The end is the begining

Please tell me it’s gonna be ok, tell me everything will be alright, just fine. Tell me I’ll dream again and I’ll smile when I wake up ‘cause you’re there by my side. Tell me this pain will end and the tears will stop dropping and my nose will stop running. Tell the future is bright and shinny, tell at least that there is a future!
I pick up the phone and dial number after number in my long list of friends and there’s no one there. I’m alone and lost and hurt and I will have to deal with it all by myself.
I try to see the bright side, I try to see how this can be a beginning but the tear in my eyes don’t let me see straight. And the clouds… all those clouds…
I have no problems in identifying the end… but it’s getting hard to see a beginning!
Why is my life such a bitch!?

Another day!

My next door neighbour had a party for an Australian that just got into Canada. And since it was just next door, let just get a six pack and spend some time with people and get the fuck out of my room and my thoughts.
There were gay and straight and there was me! So where did I stand?
There were pagans and protestants and Christian catholics! So where did I stand?
I’m more and more the guy that makes the bridge in between. The guy wit the wise words to avoid the huge fight and keep the discussion alive.
Although my life is still a mess and my future as cloudy as ever, I can still find the inspiration to be around people and let ideas flow. I guess the right expression would be: I’m a political and social animal. I need people around me so that when I have something to say there’s someone to listen. So of course I hate to be ignored, I can’t stand being ignored!
I’m proud of myself! I had my hand in a joint and I said no! I had a bunch of alcohol at the table and I managed to stay sober! I had a neverending night ahead and I’m home! I managed to control myself, gain control of myself and do what I really want to do and not just what I feel like doing!
Am I getting old and responsible or just getting control of myself again?
It’s funny how I manage to do the most amazing things even when the world around me seems to collapse.
Whatever the future hold for me I have to say that today I’m proud of myself!

My days, My love! Our love? Our life?

"Another morning and that means less one day to see you again!
If I don't wake up in the middle of the night with the text message sound or the cell phone ring I always think I could have slept into it. I check both my cells just to be sure. Maybe I left one on silence mode before falling asleep. But no, no surprises this morning.
I lower the level of the alarm clock, turn on the TV on the weather channel and chose the appropriate clothes to put on and go outside for the morning smoke. Most of the times the pyjama and the sky blue bath rope is good enough. While I have my smoke the images of waking up by your side, the warmth fills my whole body. I tingle and I like it. It's time to come back and get ready for another day of science or just time killing and pretending to work.
I walk to work with our songs in my ears and I'm thundered by images of us, images of when there was a we. Sometimes I smile. Other times I have to fight against the will to cry. But the shades always helped. I grab my morning coffee and go to the computer room. The possibility of having an email from you made me walk faster than usual.
Sometimes, if I have a text during the night I know I'll have your words waiting for me in the morning. That always cheers my day and I can't help having a smile on my face. Sometimes your words are cold or there're no words at all and even in the most bright spring day I seem to be unable to see the sun and the beauty of the day.
I text you just to let you know I'm thinking about you. Not that I think you don't know that already, but I know how reassuring can be to know someone is thinking about you, even if it is on the other side of the world.
Until I get an answer from you I check my cell phone once in a while (I think I sometimes get a bit too excited and tend to check it almost every 5 minutes, but I always try to have an excuse to do so, so no one realizes I'm expecting anything).
Sometimes your words don't come for hours and I worry. Maybe something happened. I call you and when I can't talk to you and you don't call back I worry even more, I get desperate if I had no text, no email, no answer to the text and no answer to my call. It's painful to see the world spinning and going and there's nothing you can do. Things happen that can change my life and there's nothing I can do except sit and watch and wait. Feel the pain growing inside, feeling my heart breaking into pieces, but just watch.
Eventually I get words from you. In a very lucky day I get to listen to your voice, see you. And if I have the chance to see you or chat with you I speed up my time, speed up my work so that I can be online on time to spend a good couple of hours tricking my brain and feeling you so close...
We talk, sometimes we fight. Lately we fight a lot. It's always because of the same subject. I guess I'm just too possessive about something I don't have. I had, we had something beautiful and I don't want it to end. I believe you still want it too but I don't know, I guess you don't know either.
I'm home or I just walk home. I know I'll have an email back and I can't wait for that and for those wonderful minutes I spend writing you back, still smelling your skin, still hearing your laugh, still feeling your warmth.
I painfully look at the clock so that the time to sleep comes and another day goes by.
I text you and wish you a great day so that you can have a smile on your face. I just love the way you look when you are happy and smiling!
It's time to sleep. I close the doors and turn of the lights. There are dreams waiting for me!"

Birds and barbeque

It’s amazing how birds can still sing when it’s almost 10 pm. How they happily sing and their voices come through my opened window and fill my room of joy and sunshine.
When your day goes bad and according to Murphy’s Laws, there nothing like taking the chance you are given of doing something completely out of the schedule.
So me and my roommates decided to have a barbeque and all in a sudden we had more food than we could eat. So their parents and other family came over and we had the barbeque and a wonderful time in the back yard, chatting and eating and drinking what became my speciality in here: Sangria!
So after an awful day where all that could go wrong really went wrong I managed to have a really good time and have a smile now, that the day ends and the melodies of the birds still cheer me.
When will I smile again by no apparent reason?