If I had one hundred flowers

If I had one hundred flowers I would be so much happy...
I would keep one for myself (I do like flowers) to shine beautifully in my room, lightning my days!
I would give you 63, because I love you 63 (I would give you one thousand because I care millions about you, but I only have one hundred flowers and 63 are white roses).
I would save 5 for each of the 5 graves of people I love and watch over me (and one millions tears of sadness and joy).
One perfect purple pansy for my one perfect first love, dried in between blank sheet of a big story book. One for my mom, a red carnation for my dad, two for Mariana and two for Ines, three for Maria and one... the last one... the last one for the river...
I guess if I had one hundred flowers I would need one hundred more...

Lost without a trace

Life has very funny ways!
One day I'm on top of the world, sharing smiles with complete strangers, joyfully appreciating every single second of my existence. The next day the sun shines on my window and lazily I wake up and hear the birds happily singing in the freshness of the morning. My eyes shine, my lips organize themselves in a way that no possible frown can hunt my days. But although everything is arranged in the same old perfect way of a happy day, I should know best that I'm already on the move to some other different day... one less bright...
Bad days always come and make me doubt of all the previous happiness. Was it just a dream, was it all just a cruel trick? Were we ever real?
I do remember the good days, and I miss them so much... But as time goes by I don't think I can still believe on a dream with nothing or very little to hold on to...
But soon the rain will come and my fears will be washed away and maybe my dreams will be true or maybe new dreams will come through

One day

One day you said it, clear and clean, all those three words I always waited for. And my day was brighter, and my heart was warmer but my fear was bigger...
I know that day was one of a kind, and in the end maybe all was worth it, all the tears and pain, to reach that day, that one day when a dream became words, those three beautiful words...
But now the clouds are back and the rain may fall at any moment... and that one day almost seems to far away... Will we ever say it again? Will that day forever stay?

The gift of the sea

You always seem to have the gift to know when I need you, even when I know I need you and decide I should take it like a man and do it, pass by it, on my own.
I worry, as I always did, more than before, and you tell me to calm down, that everything is ok: "Just started to miss you and wanted to hear your voice!"
I swear I can see you blush on the other side of the line, on the other side of the world where dawn is coming fast, while here night is never night at all. And we talk, and you listen to my never ending adventures, and ask all the right questions at the right time and slowly everything seems to make sense, in my troubled mind the light finally shines, all the confusion is now rationality.
And I always seem to be able to talk about everything, open my heart and my mind to you and I always seem to get the words I should listen.
As always, your words inspire my words, and before you I complained about the confusion of my words and now... now my words flow and my mind is clear, I can now see: I am me!

Bulletproof romance

We all search for the same thing. Maybe some of us search for something more, others for something less. We all search for attention, affection, passion, sex, love, tears, smiles, honesty, commitment,  and whatever else you can think of. But in the end all that we all look for is a bulletproof romance: no flaws, no lies, no weaknesses and loads and loads of good, great feelings...

Some of us just quit when they realize that there's no such thing. Others spend their all lives working hard to make it bulletproof.

I once learned: nothing lasts forever; nothing's perfect!

Yet I'm one of those that spend their lives fighting and trying and losing and trying again amd fighting harder and falling faster...

You once said:"You're a lover, not a fighter!"

Why am I not both?

The emptiness of us

Days and nights, the rain falling second after second for minutes in a row.
Memories of you, of us invade my room, my mind, my world.
I wonder: when did you leave? Did you leave at all?
But most importantly: were you ever real? Were we real at all?
Sometimes, in between my sleep, my happy dreams almost seem real: I feel your touch, your lips onto mine, your aroma, sweet orgasm in my nostrils. Sometimes, even when I'm awake and I can see you I doubt if it was real at all...
But then, then you smile and I smile and we both laugh and all the memories come back, and the certainty of our existence eases my main, my inner pain.
How did we get to here?
The question always comes shortly after you leave. And behind you leave the emptiness of us as my sole company, my faithful friend.

The End

In my head it all makes sense. But my heart keeps telling me I'm wrong. Sometimes it's a picture, a smell, a song the makes me dream.
My first love wrote me once a poem that I converted into a song. Today, while smoking and thinking of you, of us, I realized that I could have wrote the same words today:

Feeling sad everywhere I go
There's always something worrying me
Can't be happy where I am
Thinking of all that I could be
(...)
Let me rotten in a bag
Leave me hanging in a tree
Run away while I'm asleep
Forget about me

Is it time to leave it all behind? Can't seem to decide if the end is the right decision. Am I running away or finally facing the situation?
My dreams wait for me and tomorrow will always be a new day... Tomorrow!
Tomorrow may be too late
Tomorrow I may wash it away
Tomorrow
No words to sing

Poetry again

Can't really tell
If it's paradise
Or hell
But I guess it's just life
As good as it gets

Never forget
That wherever we are
High in the skies
Or deep in the sea
I will always love you!
And you'll always love me?

The fountain

It is said in my country that: "So many times the jar goes to the fountain, that eventually it will break!"
Once you start saying and doping the same things over and over again, once you start arguing with the same person over and over again, once the argument has the same subject over and over again... it will eventually break!
I do not know where do we stand now, I don't know how well the jar hold the water, but I believe it's been cracking for a long time. Did it break this time? How's gonna grab all the pieces? Will we be able to glue them back together? Or shall we forget about it all and simple die thirsty?

Back to Poetry

I'm afraid of the dark
I'm afraid of the light
I'm afraid of the ones I care and love
I'm afraid of the ones I hate

I'm afraid of the sea, the sun and the sand
I'm afraid a beautiful face will give me a hand
I'm afraid of falling in love again
And watch it go down the drain

I'm afraid of the rhymes of my words
I'm afraid of the things I might say
I'm afraid my lips rhyme with yours
I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid

The emptyness of pleasure

Sometimes pleasure doesn't last as long as the orgasmic hormonal discharge. A few seconds of ecstasy after a few minutes of repetitive movements... or the longest ecstasy moments ever after hours of wild affective dancing... Pleasure and perfection, respectively.
And once you reach perfection it's almost impossible to forget it or even feel content with pleasure. And all I've been building my life around - pleasure - loses it's importance in just a second.
But for as much as I would like to pause life and give myself a break, I just keep going and giving myself to the pleasures of the flesh and smiling...
Yeah, it's not perfect, but it's pleasure and I can't help but smile!!!

Wrong turn

Along the way we all get the wrong turn!
Some more than others but along the way we all do something with the best intentions... and end up doing the worst thing possible!
We say "I love you" too many times or not enough, we kiss too much or too little... we suffocate or give too much space...
To find the balance is the key but now all doors are locked for me.
One day, who knows, maybe I'll get a right turn, but for now I just keep going 'till the time to turn comes again.

My life without it

That's life, that seems to be my life: without it!
It - a thing (love), a person (you, her), a feeling (love again, maybe happiness), a land (here?)...
Clouds form in the skies to gray my life, to make my days so much more similar to my soul... Rain hides behind the sun, but the moon doesn't show up either and I feel lonely, perfectly empty without the reason of my survival - feelings, happiness, love, you!
Having you here and not having you at all. Feeling your skin and your lips and not being able to distinguish you from ice, cold heartless rock...
My empty troubled mind generates no good ideas, no good sentences or verses now that I find myself completely lost in this small dream of mine...
One day a dream will be real again! One day I hope to still be here to live it again...

Same old, same old

We are funny animals!
Take a rat, a dog or a monkey. They easily learn the difference between reward and punishment. They easily identify actions that will result in pain and avoid them. Not us!
We have a certain tendency to learn with our mistakes but easily forget how much it hurt. And unlike other animals, if we forget the punishment we easily repeat the same behavior and sooner or later the pain of the punishment comes back. Not a shadow anymore in the back of our head, but true pain, sometimes even more intense than before.
And the first reaction is to complain, fill our lives with self-pity, blame other for the pain inflicted. Again we easily forget that it wasn't the first time and we should have learned, we shouldn't have done the same mistake twice, three times or four... So we're the only ones to blame!

So here I sit now. After an amazing bloom about coffee and queues and beautiful women, I blame myself. But only today! Tomorrow I shall forget the pain again, I shall not be conditioned again and I'll open my heart and my eyes and I will live another day for the first time and even if the sun just shines for a little bit I will smile and laugh and be who I'll never forget I am!

3 wishes!

I was calmly walking down the street! One of those days when you just roam nowhere and just enjoy the rain that rarely falls. In a traffic light post was a poster. Plain white with the typical times new roman lettering. The message was clear:
"The world is going to end tomorrow and you have 3 wishes. Are you ready?"
Well, this is a new one. No "call this number right now!" nor "we have the solutions to your problems!".
I decided to keep my roam in the rain and keep my head occupied with this thoughts. There's no point in asking for world peace and the end of hunger because the world is going to end anyway. No need to ask for money and fortune because there's not enough time to enjoy it. And at this point it was starting to get hard... I started to feel my chest shrinking and crushing my inner organs, my heart racing like a maniac... PANIC!
I thought about you, about all the plans and dreams and amazing things waiting for us to live...
Slowly the rain got warmer and warmer, and heavier... and if trying to wash panic away...
I looked ahead and a bright ray o sunlight was ripping the dense roof of clouds. Word by word my wishes started to gain shape:"I wish I can spend every second of the rest of my life by your side!" and I repeated it 3 times... that was my wish, three times my wish...
I realized that if the world ends tomorrow there's only one thing I must do. I picked up my phone:"Did I tell you today you are beautiful? Did I tell you today that I love you so much that there're no words that can possibly describe it? I will cook dinner tonight. Dress fancy!"
The rain was now gone as well as all my fears and panic.
We had dinner and several bottles of wine. We laughed so truly and so perfectly. And now here you are sleeping like an angel...

The alarm clock went off. You are mumbling something... Guess the world didn't end... Was it just a dream or did we actually laughed all that last night?...
I kiss you in the forehead. And just in case the world ends tomorrow I whisper: You truly are beautiful!

Incredible

It was a sunday like every other sunday before, like many sundays to come. Nothing special about it (or was it?). All in a sudden inspiration struck. I could feel the ideas floating but the mess in my head was as bad as the mess in this desk. I needed a start, a word, a spark. But you were sparking so much already... or was I sparking just by thinking of you?
Then the word came as sweet as your mouth as perfect as you. Incredible! And now here I am thinking about all the ways I can let you know how you are incredible without being cheesy or repeat myself... But when I think incredible I can't think about anything else or anyone else but you and how incredibly lucky I was to ever come across you, how my life became even more MY LIFE when part of it means you... Incredible afternoons waiting for the sunset, sitting in the sand, sipping some "see-cold" white wine... Incredible places we've been, holding hands, kissing, smiling and laughing... Incredible happiness we were gifted with...
You suggested superstition... But I don't believe in superstition. I do sleep only on the left side of the bed... and I never use the same cologne if I'm not with the same person... And I don't walk under stairs or plan something big for friday the 13th... I plan something amazing, enormous... But I'm not superstitious, I'm just crazy! And I agree with my friend that talks to the moon: I rather be crazy than stupid!

Never ending dream

One day you wake up and your life is upside down! The pillows are under your feet and the quilt is not covering you; you drink your toast and toast your coffee; you stick your arms in your trousers and your shirt around your waist; the moon shines all day long and the sun brights your nights; beer tastes like wine and wine tastes like water... Your friends are your lovers and your lovers are your friends, and that's when you start to doubt: because you always fucked your friends and kept your lovers as friends. So maybe this weird dream is no dream at all.

And you keep going!
Your clock counts down and time... You walk backwards...

Rain falls with the moon in the sky and it's day. And when the first drop falls in your face you doubt... but you keep walking (backwards) and you keep reaching nowhere. And then someone says hello and you're sure: everyone is where they should be - the nice guy still smiles like so many times before when you stop to buy smokes, the lady next to the traffic lights still sits on the floor begging, the bum still sleeps in the same public bench - but not you! This is not a dream and yes, your life is upside down! Why do you think everyone was looking at you? Don't you see you look weird when you wear your shirt around your waist like a skirt?

The Mirror

Hi!
Noticed you there before but you always seemed so... full of yourself that I never dared to tell you anything. But today you seem... almost human and something inside of me was telling me that it's really not so hard to talk to you, that you probably are a great person and you would understand everything I feel and everything I say.
I've seen you crying before, but you are so stubborn that everyone thinks that you have something in your eyes, or some kind of allergy.
I know you noticed me before too because I've seen you looking at me before, almost staring as if there was something wrong with me or you knew me from somewhere. And I think that's what always kept me away from talking to you. It's almost as if you can see straight through me, you can read my thoughts, anticipate my words. But now I'm no longer afraid because I don't know where my thoughts wonder, I don't know what's the next word coming out of my head, I feel as opaque as the curtains that guard my room from the evil morning sun. So if you can still see straight through me, if you can tell me what to say, this is the moment to do so and guide through my own life, at least for a day or two, a week or three? After all you're just me on that side of the mirror.

Adrenaline spike

The morning was dark but not as cold as before. The clouds take charge of the sky, but here and there I can see sunbeams ripping the monotonous grayish-white.
The morning was pretty normal - normal coffee intake, normal thoughts (of you), normal blood pressure, normal heart rate, normal nicotine intake... And then came lunch and I believe it was the energetic intake that boosted my hyper state. Now the blood pressure surely went up, the heart rate? Lets not even talk about that; try to refrain the nicotine intake and the caffeine addiction. Now my body has a will of its own, no longer answering to what my brain tries to rationalize! My legs move as if I needed to run away from here, away from some imminent danger (I do want to get out of here and run into your arms), my thoughts anticipate your return, our gathering... my ands shake nervously...
Only ours away, and these ours will feel like days, months, years, a whole eternity gone by. I already feel my few hair turning gray, then white, as the sky full of clouds, as waiting for the sun to shine, waiting for you, sunshine...

Waiting but not waiting

I'm waiting but I'm not waiting for you! Do I make any sense? Of course not, but I'll try to explain it to you, as you try to explain little kids why the sun goes away and the moon takes its place in the sky. And although everyone knows they're lovers, they're united but one of those never ending, life lasting loves, they never seem to be in the same place at the same time.
I'm waiting for you in the way that my life gains so much more meaning when I'm with you, when my feelings cheer my life and bright my days. I'm waiting, I'll always be waiting for you. But then again I'm not waiting for you. Things come and go, people come and go, just like the waves in the sea. But every time a new wave comes to the shore, new water kisses the sand...
So you come and go, I come and go and every time we meet again it's a new start, a new adventure, almost a new feeling.
So I do wait for you, but I know I'll see a new you, because tomorrow is always a new day!