Same old, same old

We are funny animals!
Take a rat, a dog or a monkey. They easily learn the difference between reward and punishment. They easily identify actions that will result in pain and avoid them. Not us!
We have a certain tendency to learn with our mistakes but easily forget how much it hurt. And unlike other animals, if we forget the punishment we easily repeat the same behavior and sooner or later the pain of the punishment comes back. Not a shadow anymore in the back of our head, but true pain, sometimes even more intense than before.
And the first reaction is to complain, fill our lives with self-pity, blame other for the pain inflicted. Again we easily forget that it wasn't the first time and we should have learned, we shouldn't have done the same mistake twice, three times or four... So we're the only ones to blame!

So here I sit now. After an amazing bloom about coffee and queues and beautiful women, I blame myself. But only today! Tomorrow I shall forget the pain again, I shall not be conditioned again and I'll open my heart and my eyes and I will live another day for the first time and even if the sun just shines for a little bit I will smile and laugh and be who I'll never forget I am!

3 wishes!

I was calmly walking down the street! One of those days when you just roam nowhere and just enjoy the rain that rarely falls. In a traffic light post was a poster. Plain white with the typical times new roman lettering. The message was clear:
"The world is going to end tomorrow and you have 3 wishes. Are you ready?"
Well, this is a new one. No "call this number right now!" nor "we have the solutions to your problems!".
I decided to keep my roam in the rain and keep my head occupied with this thoughts. There's no point in asking for world peace and the end of hunger because the world is going to end anyway. No need to ask for money and fortune because there's not enough time to enjoy it. And at this point it was starting to get hard... I started to feel my chest shrinking and crushing my inner organs, my heart racing like a maniac... PANIC!
I thought about you, about all the plans and dreams and amazing things waiting for us to live...
Slowly the rain got warmer and warmer, and heavier... and if trying to wash panic away...
I looked ahead and a bright ray o sunlight was ripping the dense roof of clouds. Word by word my wishes started to gain shape:"I wish I can spend every second of the rest of my life by your side!" and I repeated it 3 times... that was my wish, three times my wish...
I realized that if the world ends tomorrow there's only one thing I must do. I picked up my phone:"Did I tell you today you are beautiful? Did I tell you today that I love you so much that there're no words that can possibly describe it? I will cook dinner tonight. Dress fancy!"
The rain was now gone as well as all my fears and panic.
We had dinner and several bottles of wine. We laughed so truly and so perfectly. And now here you are sleeping like an angel...

The alarm clock went off. You are mumbling something... Guess the world didn't end... Was it just a dream or did we actually laughed all that last night?...
I kiss you in the forehead. And just in case the world ends tomorrow I whisper: You truly are beautiful!

Incredible

It was a sunday like every other sunday before, like many sundays to come. Nothing special about it (or was it?). All in a sudden inspiration struck. I could feel the ideas floating but the mess in my head was as bad as the mess in this desk. I needed a start, a word, a spark. But you were sparking so much already... or was I sparking just by thinking of you?
Then the word came as sweet as your mouth as perfect as you. Incredible! And now here I am thinking about all the ways I can let you know how you are incredible without being cheesy or repeat myself... But when I think incredible I can't think about anything else or anyone else but you and how incredibly lucky I was to ever come across you, how my life became even more MY LIFE when part of it means you... Incredible afternoons waiting for the sunset, sitting in the sand, sipping some "see-cold" white wine... Incredible places we've been, holding hands, kissing, smiling and laughing... Incredible happiness we were gifted with...
You suggested superstition... But I don't believe in superstition. I do sleep only on the left side of the bed... and I never use the same cologne if I'm not with the same person... And I don't walk under stairs or plan something big for friday the 13th... I plan something amazing, enormous... But I'm not superstitious, I'm just crazy! And I agree with my friend that talks to the moon: I rather be crazy than stupid!

Never ending dream

One day you wake up and your life is upside down! The pillows are under your feet and the quilt is not covering you; you drink your toast and toast your coffee; you stick your arms in your trousers and your shirt around your waist; the moon shines all day long and the sun brights your nights; beer tastes like wine and wine tastes like water... Your friends are your lovers and your lovers are your friends, and that's when you start to doubt: because you always fucked your friends and kept your lovers as friends. So maybe this weird dream is no dream at all.

And you keep going!
Your clock counts down and time... You walk backwards...

Rain falls with the moon in the sky and it's day. And when the first drop falls in your face you doubt... but you keep walking (backwards) and you keep reaching nowhere. And then someone says hello and you're sure: everyone is where they should be - the nice guy still smiles like so many times before when you stop to buy smokes, the lady next to the traffic lights still sits on the floor begging, the bum still sleeps in the same public bench - but not you! This is not a dream and yes, your life is upside down! Why do you think everyone was looking at you? Don't you see you look weird when you wear your shirt around your waist like a skirt?

The Mirror

Hi!
Noticed you there before but you always seemed so... full of yourself that I never dared to tell you anything. But today you seem... almost human and something inside of me was telling me that it's really not so hard to talk to you, that you probably are a great person and you would understand everything I feel and everything I say.
I've seen you crying before, but you are so stubborn that everyone thinks that you have something in your eyes, or some kind of allergy.
I know you noticed me before too because I've seen you looking at me before, almost staring as if there was something wrong with me or you knew me from somewhere. And I think that's what always kept me away from talking to you. It's almost as if you can see straight through me, you can read my thoughts, anticipate my words. But now I'm no longer afraid because I don't know where my thoughts wonder, I don't know what's the next word coming out of my head, I feel as opaque as the curtains that guard my room from the evil morning sun. So if you can still see straight through me, if you can tell me what to say, this is the moment to do so and guide through my own life, at least for a day or two, a week or three? After all you're just me on that side of the mirror.

Adrenaline spike

The morning was dark but not as cold as before. The clouds take charge of the sky, but here and there I can see sunbeams ripping the monotonous grayish-white.
The morning was pretty normal - normal coffee intake, normal thoughts (of you), normal blood pressure, normal heart rate, normal nicotine intake... And then came lunch and I believe it was the energetic intake that boosted my hyper state. Now the blood pressure surely went up, the heart rate? Lets not even talk about that; try to refrain the nicotine intake and the caffeine addiction. Now my body has a will of its own, no longer answering to what my brain tries to rationalize! My legs move as if I needed to run away from here, away from some imminent danger (I do want to get out of here and run into your arms), my thoughts anticipate your return, our gathering... my ands shake nervously...
Only ours away, and these ours will feel like days, months, years, a whole eternity gone by. I already feel my few hair turning gray, then white, as the sky full of clouds, as waiting for the sun to shine, waiting for you, sunshine...

Waiting but not waiting

I'm waiting but I'm not waiting for you! Do I make any sense? Of course not, but I'll try to explain it to you, as you try to explain little kids why the sun goes away and the moon takes its place in the sky. And although everyone knows they're lovers, they're united but one of those never ending, life lasting loves, they never seem to be in the same place at the same time.
I'm waiting for you in the way that my life gains so much more meaning when I'm with you, when my feelings cheer my life and bright my days. I'm waiting, I'll always be waiting for you. But then again I'm not waiting for you. Things come and go, people come and go, just like the waves in the sea. But every time a new wave comes to the shore, new water kisses the sand...
So you come and go, I come and go and every time we meet again it's a new start, a new adventure, almost a new feeling.
So I do wait for you, but I know I'll see a new you, because tomorrow is always a new day!

Of course not!

Of course you won't mind if I'm here or there, if I cry or if I'm pissed because I'm expecting something as simple as respect, understanding and consideration. But I guess I should be used to that by now, used to be a shadow in a sunny day and absolutely nothing when there's no light for me to cover.
I wake up in rage but then the sun outside smooths my andger, my rage and I can't help but think all the times we were holding hands, walking in the snow with the sun burning in our eyes... And your smile... Your smile shining even more than normally, almost daring to shut down the sun light. And as the song states: "You'll always find a way to keep me right here waiting, always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting"
So here I am, right here, waiting...

In the end

Times have come when you rethink every single detail of your life, from the decision you do not know when it happened of stopping to have breakfast, to the heavy weight step you don't know how it happened of falling in love.
You realize how some things are meaningless and pointless in pursuing while other are so important and you never ever gave it decent thinking.
When such times come it is inevitable to think in the most rational way and ask yourself: In the end what's really going to matter?
The answer to this question changes form time to time, from person to person. More hurt people dedicate their time to their careers, passionate people are always willing to leave all and every one for the love of their lives. Crazy people seem to be happy no matter what turns out in the end. You can call them crazy or maybe hedonists, because no matter what's next in line to happen they know they can always enjoy themselves and appreciate life as the greatest gift ever.
Even to me, the crazy passionate hedonist, a broken heart with a smile seems unlikely or even impossible, but if you know that life's pleasures are a never ending list of orgasmic sensations and unique tastes... then no pain can drag you to the last station, no pain is able to move you away from your destiny - happiness!
A broken heart never seems to be vaccinated against another challenge, a career is never the last upgrade in your life, the final destination of eternal knowledge.
It doesn't matter if you know all the answers. What is important is what will you do when new questions cross your way!

the day your heart exploded

The sun shines now after the snow fall. Can you imagine a better scenario for your heart to explode?
It's not a pretty sigh. There's blood all over, rage and passion laying on the same wall, side by side...
So many times she made you feel like shit, lost and alone, always wrong... so many times that happens that one day your heart reaches the limit and explodes!
You keep that dark rock covered with ice that will keep your blood flow, that will make you smile once in a while, that will remind you of your friends... But you don't forget that easily that someone fucked up your heart and you have to build it from scratch once again.
But it's not the first time, but you hope this will be the last... But that's life! And either you accept it and live it, or you're as good as dead!

For you, my friend!

I write for you my friend, friend of the moon! And tonight the moon told me to wite for you and for all the wonderfull words that you decided to share with me, with the world...
I do miss you so, I do miss all those wondefull moments we spent together. No, I'm not talking about wonderfull nights of clear sky, with you in my arms and the moon in the sky. I don't talk about it because we had none. But we had so many beautiful things, so many conversations, so many advises, so many questions. It's all that friendship that knows no barriers, knows no time, it has no past (it seems to have been for so long) or future (it will never end), but it's always present. I'll be always here, for you, and you're always there, for me!
I write because the moon told me so and because I need to tell you that the world is still your playground, the world is still yours and happiness waits for you at every corner - don't waste it! But I know you won't do so, I know one day I'll sit with you by the sea side, with that grey-white sky you love so much, and with all the people in paradise sitting and listening while we share the happiness in our lives!
For you, my friend, I'll be here, with my shoulder, my stories, my words or my songs. For you, my friend, I will!

Anger and love!

How do you deal with anger and love at the same time? How do you separate the feelings, how do you keep them apart from each other?
Is it possible to draw a line in between and live happily ever after?
I feel my guts burning with love and burning with anger and painful questions popping every second and the answers just don't come!
I've changed, life changed me you changed me, everyone that crossed my path has changed me... but there are moments like these when I feel as lost as I can be...
I just want to be happy and spend more than a week or two without going back to square one. I guess I'm no different from everyone else and at the same time I know I'm different... I know I am! Always was and always be. But I'm still trying to figure out if it's good or bad.
In the end I guess that's just me!

lost (in translation) in my life

My words are far, far away and even when they are around it seems like all ther sense was taken from them.
I wish I could put some of my brain-storming ideas chained to some words, but right now time just floats above my thoughts and the rain that falls outside isn't helping as before.
I remember those days, walking and smoking in the rain. A couple of minutes or a couple of hours, a pack of cigarrettes, a blast of thoughts and finally, with the sun shining over the horizon and the rain still over me, all made sense and my life was a walk in the park, again...
Now I have some of what I've been looking for, but at the same time, without any warning or request, so much was taken away, or so much I let go away...
I need a cheecky rain drop, or a thunderstorm night to help my thoughts happen, or at least let them be organized. I'm messy enough!
It's still raining outside and I still have smokes in my pack. Maybe it will thunder...

Life changes

Time goes by and we change, the world changes and life changes with it too.
Before I was feeling myself growing older as time passed. Today, everytime I look myself in the mirror I feel myself growing up.
I've changed so much that I could almost say that I barely know myself. But the fact is that I think I'm changing for better and most of the times I think I like what I see in the mirror.
Well, I didn't change taht, that much. I still eat a bar of chocolate during the evenings while drinking a litre of juice of a nice mug of coffee. But now I drink my tea and my coffee without sugar (YES, no need to faint. The boy who used to drink a mug of coffee with 4 packs of sugar is done!). Yes, I still smoke and drink, but I can see myself without smoking and I'm drinking less than before.
I've been experiencing so many things that I could only grow up...
Words run from the tips of my fingers - thant was another change - and sometimes I feel like there's no poetry in me anymore... but I know it's all there!

Friendship - the art of mixed feelings

So there she is, right there, far away where I can't reach, where I can't see, where I can't possibly do anything. She's sad, she cries (maybe she's not tearing but I know it hurts and she should be crying). All I can do is listening. For once I say: Never been there, never done that. I can only use my intuition (yes, that's a girl's thing but I always said I should have been a girl!!!) and let the words get out of my fingers (She's there, so far away that I can't even talk, listen to her voice) and then it happened - she smiled. I know she did because she told me so and I know she wouldn't lie to me. I know she's sad, I told you that, but even when you are sad you can truly smile!
Tomorrow I'll be there too, waiting for you and just for you and I hope that I can make you smile once more: Such a friendship is too precious to waste or ignore!

And here I am! Waking up with a smile, smiling all the way to the sunset, feeling enough energy to go for a run and enjoy every second. I know that I'm smiling for her too... I know that's all I can do...

I wrote you a poem:

Sometimes it's your smile
And that shine
In your eyes
But I swear
It feels like the whole sun
Shines in your face!

Sometimes I find myself
Trying to find the words,
All the words I can find,
To tell you how beautiful you are!
And when I'm done
I have pages and pages
Of beautiful words,
Made up words,
Words in all possible languages
Words in undiscovered languages
And yet
I feel it is not enough
to discribe your beauty!

I wrote you a poem and yet I don't think I've said it all!

Back to the words

Silence took care of my fingers. The few words were destinated to my pen and the blank sheets of paper in front of me just before sunrise.
Many things happened. Some good, some bad, but sometimes I like to believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it just happens... Sometimes it just doesn't happen.
I now have to decide if I'm gonna try to catch up with these 2 months of happenings or if I'm moving on and write from this moment...
I think I need more time to decide.
Just thought I should give signs of life!
Someone told me: Tu me manques!
That someone is somewhere and somehow she's still here.

A beautiful smile!

I still can’t believe how I missed it.
I first let my hormones command my thoughts and tell me how attractive you were, then my platonic behaviour said that your personality was extremely attractive, there was something about your behaviour that was letting me more and more curious every day. But today, today while we talked (and it seems so easy to talk to you, to open my heart and just let the words flow) I finally looked deep into your eyes and I swear I lost myself. I remember you were saying something but I couldn’t listen, I could not stop thinking how beautiful your eyes are and how could I have missed such a glance of true wonder. And I think they are even more beautiful when they smile along with the rest of your face and that little happy bright appears shyly in the corner…
I will embrace my dreams with a smile in my face just by thinking about how beautiful your smile is, and by the morning I should know if I should let you know that I have a crush for your eyes and your smile…

The man with a mission

I let the vapors of the alcohol sublime my words and most of the times the feeling just arise meaningless.
I chose depressing songs but no matter how depressing the sing is, my tears seem not to be able to become true! I wish you know how I feel for you, but I will not tell you so, and you will never know…
But my day got lightened by the consequence of what I do best: Help others! And I realized that I have to warn people I’m different, I think in a different way, I act in a different way. And doing so people are able to understand that no matter what I tell them to do, that doesn’t mean it is the right thing. But the concept and the idea is right and the result can only be the best one.
I realize that it’s getting harder to be happy on my own, and helping others and making others find the right way is the way by which I’ll fin the track to happiness.
But today I feel I was able to make someone smile and have a beautiful day. Today I may have finished another mission and I fell happy for that, I may even have had the audacity to wear a smile and I was proud of it!

The waiting

Waiting for you! Still waiting for myself!

Just look at me waiting! Look at how I still wait after all this time.
People say that there’s no love like the first and that we never forget our first love. It is true, I admit, that there’s no love like the first and obviously, since it was the first time we ever felt something we called love and lived according to it, it’s impossible to forget, forget how it started, the first conversations, the first kisses, the first frontiers to be crossed, the first night out. Of course, the first time sex happened and it was so much more than sex, it was love!
But look at me: my first love has been long gone (yes! It still shows up once in a while as a crazy passion, because there’s no love like the first one) and sorry, but you aren’t the second either, or the third… But what matters is that I still remember when and how it started, I remember the first kiss, the frontiers crossed, and how could I forget the first time we made love??? And yet do you remember? But even if you do, what does it mean? Why is it so hard to believe that it happened even if our memories start to appear blunted in our minds? Why is it so hard for me to admit what I feel for you?
So I let days go by, I let you make me smile, I do my best to make you smile and for some moments I believe that it wasn’t a dream, for a moment I feel your lips in mine, I feel your body next to mine by sunrise.
But as time goes by our smiles get forced, become rare and we are not we, but some strangers that remind us of a time that we no longer now if it was real!

Ode (hope) to the lost one

Ode (hope) to the lost one


There’s no sun or wind
Or anything in between!
There’s no hope or dream
To make me smile again!

My love isn’t much
But it’s all I have left
I so live as such
I shall have no regret

From sunshines to sunsets
I will look for your eyes
And your mouth and your lips
To my misfortune, my demise

Once we start there’s no end
Will have memories and a past
Rather break than to bend
Rather lost than in doubt!